I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
