i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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