1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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