speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
