the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
