so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
