i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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