A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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