Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
