Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
