Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
