he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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