I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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