Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
