I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
