did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
