If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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