I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
