Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
