I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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