On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
