Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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