The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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