apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
