Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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