My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
