Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
