i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
