I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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