well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
