this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
