I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
