I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
