we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
