She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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