my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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