I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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