so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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