accomplished twins. life is a go
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
