It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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