Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
