considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Farmville is her only friend.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
