Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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