I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
