Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
