Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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