got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
