I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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