There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
