All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
